Be Changed: Women's Retreat Reflection

By Lora Kim

When I was deciding whether to attend the NOC women’s retreat, a voice inside me groaned at the idea of spending (even a day and a half!) with women who I did not know intimately. When I was growing up, I was always into sports and video games, and felt closer to my male friends. Guys were easy to get along with, whereas girls were petty, competitive and cliquey. I am a pretty friendly person, but I always guarded the most intimate details of my life fiercely, especially with other females.

Of course, as I blossomed into a young lady, things got very complicated with close male friendships. Also, I started to become more comfortable in my own skin and although I still enjoyed doing “guy” things, I embraced my girlie side. I realized all those things I disdained about girls were my own insecurities coming to the surface. Not being pretty enough, thin enough, popular enough, but most important – feeling like my worth needed to be justified by a male’s attention. This stemmed from different hurtful events that have occurred over the years. I felt for a long time that I was alone in my struggle, and that no one understood how I felt. At the retreat, Kate (our speaker) told us that God wanted us to know that He loved us. He wanted us to know that He saw us in our struggles, hurt, addictions, temptations, and blatant disobedience and still loved us. I felt camaraderie with my sisters, knowing that we all had different struggles, but the same loving Father. For the first time, I did not feel alone in my journey. Kate’s words were a great reminder to me in my current season.

Last year, I left my job in February. This was a huge blow to my self-esteem because I was in a situation where I felt wronged. I was being pushed to leave by the company due to a sexual harassment complaint made on my behalf. I was told I could move to a location with a very difficult commute, or find another job. I felt cornered and made the decision to leave. Shortly thereafter, I hit rock bottom. I felt utterly defeated, worth nothing, and my confidence was obliterated. I had been sporadically attending church, but I fooled myself into believing I was doing just fine on my own without God’s help. It was this prideful thinking that led me to such a hard fall. The following five months were very difficult, but also the most wonderful.

I told God, “I have nothing left, do what you want with me, and change me how you want. I will obey, I will follow.” And God answered. What happened next was the biggest breaking of my soul, heart, and mind that I have ever gone through. God brought to surface so many issues I had conveniently swept under the rug and forgot about. This was a harsh reality, but I THANK GOD for His faithfulness for answering my desperate prayer, because He changed me for the better. After the breaking down, there was light and renewal, joy, and so much love. I would have previously thought feeling joy in every cell in my body would be impossible, but God did it and it changed my life.

I did get a job in June, which I lost in February of this year. In all honesty, I was not surprised. God provided me this job to show me that He is truly the one in control of my life. I knew it was not a long term job for me, but I was just so thankful for getting it. When I was praying for 2011, God really impressed upon me that this year would be a year of change, and I would need to open my heart to all of it. I agreed thoughtlessly, not realizing the scope of what God was saying. That is, until I lost my job. Two months before that, a few days before Christmas, I got into a big car accident. The other driver ran a red light and slammed into the front of my car. It was a total loss, but I only suffered soft tissue injuries. God saved my life that night. What’s remarkable is that twelve years before that, when I was 17, I was in another car accident a few days before Christmas, which resulted in my car bursting into flames and burning to the ground. My cousin was in my car at that time, and there is no doubt in my mind that God saved us both that day.

I also have no doubt that God juxtaposed these two events at two very different times in my life to remind me of how faithful He is, how much He loves me, and especially how much God has redeemed, healed, and changed me. This year, instead of spiraling into the depths of despair, I praised God. I knew that His timing is perfect, and He has a plan for me. However, I am unfortunately imperfect. As the days went by, I became discouraged. I was not hearing anything from Him about what to do next, and not seeing any signs. I trusted that God was in control, but was getting antsy. At the women’s retreat, Kate gave a sermon on whether we see God as “Useful” or “Sovereign.” If you see God as Useful, you ask him, “What do you want me to do”, but if you see him as a Sovereign God, you ask, “What do you want to do WITH me?” This hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that everything that God allowed me to go through changed me dramatically, but that He is not finished with me yet. During the prayer time, I prayed, “God, change me how you still need to change me. Give me peace in knowing I don’t need to DO anything for You, but help me to be receptive to your changes In me.” It was like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I have never been good with silence and solitude, but during the retreat, I found it. In the silence, I found that God’s voice was louder than I had ever heard before, and He told me that He was proud of me. I pray that you too can find His voice in the silence, and hear what He so desperately wants to tell you too.

I am so thankful for the opportunity to get to know some amazing women during the short precious time we had together. I am thankful for God meeting me in such an unexpected way. I am thankful for the safe space that the planning team provided to share and listen to the wonderful things that God is doing in the women at NOC. I am thankful to be part of this glorious community. I am so very thankful to know that I am not on this journey alone, but have many beautiful sisters journeying with me. I AM THANKFUL!